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Chapter 4.

 (Includes cutting and suicidal story. Don’t read if you don’t want to!)

Josh stood there. He just… stood there. And I did the same. We both didn’t know what to say. I saw so many moments of these in movies but this moment wasn’t the same. This moment wasn’t acted. Actually, I knew him for a few days, but my heart kept saying that it was right. Good. Only my head wouldn’t believe it. I wouldn’t believe it either. Because it was unbelievable. I never met someone who stood closer to me than Josh did. He felt how I felt and knew it without asking. That was a special gift. There are not many people who have that.

‘Come, I bring you back home,’ Josh said before he picked our guitars and gave me a hand.

When we were almost at my house, I said: ‘I’m sorry I ruined our date thingy…’ Was it a date? No. Absolutely not. Or was it? No. Josh is just a normal boy. I don’t have butterflies. You sure? NO! I’m NOT sure. Okay? I wasn’t sure at all. My stomach was different. My mind said I wasn’t falling in love. I wish my body could say that too. I wasn’t ready. I just wasn’t.

‘It’s okay,’ he said. He almost whispered. Almost. What was this? Was I really falling in love? Me? The girl who ruined her life? Wow… Wow.. That’s not possible. And why was I falling in love with a superstar? A freaking movie star. And not just a normal movie star. No… It was Josh fucking cute Hutcherson… Right. Emma, you can do this. Breathe in… And out, of course.

‘You’re okay?’ He asked. Stop! I needed to ask that.. I ruined this date thingy.

I promised myself that I would be honest. Really honest.

‘No.’

‘What’s wrong?’ He asked.

‘Come on in,’ I said.

Josh didn’t know about my past. It wasn’t only the thing that my dad died. There were a lot more things. And he has all the right that he didn’t know that. Because he wasn’t a part of my life before.

My house was a mess, well, a little one. But he didn’t pay attention to that.

His eyes were looking all over me. Searching for something. But what?

Josh dropped our guitars on the couch and sat down next to them.

‘You want something to drink?’ I asked.

‘Emma, stop, just  sit down.’

Slowly I walked towards him. Not knowing what to do. What was I supposed to say? What needed I to do?

I put my hand on my other hand so he wouldn’t see it. Or recognize it. Wished for it.

‘Emma, what’s wrong? You can tell me,’ He started. No, I couldn’t. I only knew Josh for two days? Maybe longer?

‘Look at me.’ He put his hand under my chin, made me to look at him. And I got lost. Lost in this beautiful hazel eyes. Those eyes that looked so familiar, so kind.

I hadn’t realized that I showed my hand. My hand with around 20 cutting marks. Tears came in my eyes immediately.

‘Emma, no, don’t cry!’ He stroked with his thumb over my scars. They were small, but ugly. Once they were deep.

Josh let me cry.

‘I couldn’t help it…’ I sobbed. Could I? I couldn’t handle it. My past was a hell. Josh was so sweet, so kind. No one has ever been so kind.

‘Emma, look at me, what happened?’ He stroked my face softly.

I told him everything. How dad died when I was 14. How my friends dumped me for the popular ones. How I’ve been bullied in high school. How I’ve committed suicide. He looked shocked when I said that. He had all the right to be. How I’ve started cutting because I couldn’t handle the physic pain anymore. I told him that people hated me. That they beat me up. How I cried myself to sleep every day.

‘It’s over now,’ He whispered when he stroked my hair. I cried against his shirt. That beautiful white shirt.

‘I know, I – I have to let go, but – but it’s so hard,’ I sobbed.   

‘I’m here for you,’ He said.

‘I – I’m so s – sorry for this.’

‘It’s not your fault, Emma! You áre stronger than them.’ With that I smiled. I knew it was over. It really was. I needed to enjoy life. Just for once.

‘Come, I should play something for you,’ I said. He smiled his brightest smile that I had ever seen. I knew he loved that. His smile made me blush.

And with that, I picked my guitar and sang my favorite song.

 

I found God on the corner of 1st and Amistad
Where the West was all but won
All alone, smoking his last cigarette
I said, “Where you been?” He said, “Ask anything”

Where were you when everything was falling apart?
All my days were spent by the telephone that never rang
And all I needed was a call that never came
To the corner of 1st and Amistad

Lost and insecure, you found me, you found me
Lying on the floor surrounded, surrounded
Why’d you have to wait? Where were you? Where were you?
Just a little late, you found me, you found me

But in the end everyone ends up alone
Losing him, the only one who’s ever known
Who I am, who I’m not and who I wanna be
No way to know how long he will be next to me


‘You’re amazing,’ He said, still with his bright smile. That made me blush.

I looked outside the window, it was really dark outside.

‘Don’t you need to go home?’ I asked shyly.

‘Yeah, it’s getting really dark.’

 ‘Wait, I’ll walk with you,’

We needed to walk a few stairs, but that didn’t matter. As long as I could stay with Josh. It was a nice silence. We didn’t need to say things. Just the sound of our steps and the look in our eyes said enough.

When I opened the door and wanted to say goodbye, Josh came closer… and kissed me. It was a soft kiss. Perfect-moment-kiss.

Well, that was it, until I saw flashes everywhere..

- Nienke


  1. abrilloafsyou reblogged this from joshhutchersonimagines and added:
    AMAZING
  2. joshhutchersonimagines posted this